


Just Start

by Onlymostydead



Category: DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Trans Tim Drake, Trans a Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-16 14:02:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16087583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onlymostydead/pseuds/Onlymostydead
Summary: Tim Drake knows what he has to do, that he has to convince Nightwing to go back and be Robin. Before he meets him, however, some changes are going to have to be made.Namely, he was going to cut his own hair.





	Just Start

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at one am last night, edited it in ten minutes this morning, and I'm posting it now. Yeah, it's messy.

Unsure of what kind of occasion, 'going to meet your hero and plead with him to do something he likely doesn't want to do' was, Tim Drake stared at himself in the mirror. That was how he was going to introduce himself, after all. Tim Drake. A little bit of research on Nightwing or Batman's part would reveal that no such person existed, as well as what his real identity was, but it wasn't so much about that. Tim's heart pounded in his chest just thinking about the prospect of introducing himself by a boy's name for the first time.  
But still, he stared at himself in the mirror.

Like his mother before him, Tim had been an early bloomer, which hasn't exactly been a mercy to him. He hadn't quite understood his own gender identity when he was ten, but that was when he got his first period. He pretended that it was all fine, he knew how to deal with everything from the Internet, but it still broke a little bit of his heart. He was hoping, on the inside, that he would be a little more like his dad. If he didn't hit puberty until he was closer to sixteen maybe he would have the courage to come out to his parents. But that wasn't what happened, and at eleven he was already feeling trapped into the role of being a girl.

With that change had come training bras, and how much he had cried in frustration when no one was looking. When he could get away with it Tim didn't wear one, favoring hoodies or vests or anything thick and heavy and shapeless enough to cover him. It was another little moment of heartbreak when his mother announced, upon coming home from one of her many work trips, that they were going to have to buy him a real bra. He was a B cup now, and things had only gotten worse. They looked disjointed on his body, even to his friends at school. He did tennis only so that he could get away with wearing sports bras to hold everything in place, making his figure look a little less... Fake. So that he looked less like a skinny eleven year old kid with boobs that made everyone uncomfortable, most of all himself.

Tim squashed his boobs closer to his chest as he stared at himself, wishing he could get them flatter. He was already wearing two sports bras, one forward and one backward like the Internet had suggested, and it still didn't feel good enough. With a hoodie on Nightwing might not notice, though- especially if he slouched.

The thing Tim knew he couldn't do a thing about was his face. He knew that people already thought of him as 'cute' and 'feminine' based on his facial features, and he hated it. Delicate, shapely lips, a small nose, a soft jawline- he was what most little Korean girls wanted to be... Well, of course, if he didn't have a monolid. If anything he could just say that he looked young for his age, but it still came down to one word: pretty. Tim Drake hated that word more than most.

The last thing, the thing he could change the most drastically, was his hair. Tim stared at himself in the mirror trying to envision what it would look like short, or at least, not down to his mid-back. It was long and jet black, just like his mother's, and was usually tied back tight into a bun. He did anything he could to keep his hair away, back, off of him or away from him. His mom and his dad both loved it, especially when he wore it down, especially when they got to praise how much he looked like this person or that person.

Tim Drake was sick and tired of looking like people other than himself, of looking certain ways to keep other people happy. He was going to change that, and it was going to be through his hair. Holding the scissors in his shaking hand, Tim raised them up to cut off the first lock.

And he couldn't do it.

He wanted to, he wanted to have short hair like a boy's when he introduced himself to Nightwing, but he couldn't make the first cut. Taking a deep breath, he tried to remember that one thing his dad said whenever they talked about trying something new.

“Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hands shaking. Start with voice trembling but start." He liked to take Tim's much smaller hands in his much larger ones as he finished the quote. "Start and don’t stop. Start where you are, with what you have. Just… start.”

It wasn't from anything special, that he knew of. His dad had said it was just an inspirational quote he saw on the internet that meant a lot to him. Regardless, the words filled his body with strength.

"Start now."

Tim cut off a lock of hair, slicing so the end fell just above his shoulder. It needed to be shorter, but that was a start.

"Start where you are."

Getting an idea, Tim got out multiple hair bands and banded his hair together into them. Four different groups, each bound close to his chin. He would be able to donate the hair, probably. That would be a good excuse to his mom.

"Start with fear."

Thinking about his mom had just raised the alarm bells in Tim's head, but he made the first cut above one of the ponytails.

"Start with pain."

The first cut didn't take the whole ponytail off, so Tim squeezed his eyes shut and cut more. After a few hacks at it the first bunch was free. He lay it down on his dresser, shocked by the length. It had never occurred to him quite how much hair he had. Instantly, he felt lighter.

"Start with doubt."

Looking at the hair now, Tim didn't know how it'd turn out. What if his mom was mad? What if Nightwing thought he was a crazy person?  
He couldn't stop with just one removed, so Tim started in the second, anyway.

"Start with hands shaking."

And his hands were shaking, and had been from the moment he had looked in that mirror. It hadn't lessened now- in fact, the tremor had only gotten worse since Tim cut off the first bunch of hair.

"Start with voice trembling but start."

The second bunch was free and Tim moved on to the third, gaining a little more confidence. He opened his mouth to say something, his name, to declare to the world that he was a boy, but no sound would even come out. He kept working.

"Start and don’t stop." 

The third bunch was free, then the fourth. Four bundles of hair now lay separate from him on the dresser, and a chin length bob of messy hair hung around his face. It still wasn't short enough.

"Start where you are-"

Tim hacked at more hair, cutting free bits and pieces, trying to just get the hair off of him.

"-with what you have."

Desperately he tried to even out the sides, the back, to make it look like a real haircut. Still, he left the longer part in the front. He liked that kind of haircut on guys, with kind of bangs, but not really. It helped to think of it like that, not like he knew nothing about what he was doing.

"Just... Start."

Tim looked at himself in the mirror, at this person in baggy jeans and a big hoodie, with a young looking face but the short haircut of a boy. He looked like a boy. He was a boy, and for the first time in his life he felt like he really looked like one. He could meet Dick Grayson, Nightwing like this, and he's feel like himself. His real self.

He had started, and he wasn't about to stop anytime soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! If you like my writibg, check out my writing blog on Tumblr, Supertinywords! Or if you want to talk about trans DC characters, my DC side blog Supertinybats! Or if you just want to talk, I'm there on Supertinydom.
> 
> Comments are love! <3


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